Synthesis: Brainstorming
My mother taught me not to cry. That’s why I cry alone in the shower and pretend its just water dripping down my face.I don’t talk to my dad, simply because we have nothing to talk about.People expect me to be a certain way.I’m having dinner with my friends, I smile and I laugh at their jokes, even though a huge rain cloud hovers over my head and I’m just bracing myself for a thunderstorm.I feel stupid.I feel there is a giant “超級無敵大笨蛋” (Super Duper Stupid Head) sign above your head like one of those exaggerated animes.And I am afraid that other people will be able to see it too.I physically feel sick. My chest tightens and my stomach acts up.I have skin allergies (aside from my usual psoriasis), and I’m not sure if it’s caused by the spring weather or stress. I take allergy medicine for it anyway, and it usually disappears in the morning. But then it comes back later at night.I don’t know if its the small dorm room with curtains that I can’t open that’s making me so miserable.Maybe anyone and everyone gets depressed in the dorm room.I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.This is an escape, a vacation.This is just a blank space, a semicolon for me. Before I hopefully return to my real life.But I don’t want to return to real life.What is real life even?A job?The problem with people of our generation is because we think we are supposed to like our jobs?I missed events I signed up to and originally excited to attend, because… I just can’t. I felt a little physically sick. But it’s really just an excuse.I didn’t want to spend hours on a train to attend a party and force myself to talk to people. I don’t know, I don’t want… to talk to people.Sometimes all I want to do is sleep.Because at least my dreams are more interesting.- Depression is like a rain cloud, it comes and goes. You can never truly predict when it will start to pour.
Refinement
I think this may take some more time.
Michelle Chen 