My mother taught me not to cry. That’s why I cry alone in the shower and pretend its just water dripping down my face. I don’t talk to my dad, simply because we have nothing to talk about. People expect me to be a certain way. I’m having dinner with my friends, I smile and I laugh at their jokes, even though a huge rain cloud hovers over my head and I’m just bracing myself for a thunderstorm. I feel stupid. I feel there is a giant “超級無敵大笨蛋” (Super Duper Stupid Head) sign above your head like one of those exaggerated animes. And I am afraid that other people will be able to see it too. I physically feel sick. My chest tightens and my stomach acts up. I have skin allergies (aside from my usual psoriasis), and I’m not sure if it’s caused by the spring weather or stress. I take allergy medicine for it anyway, and it usually disappears in the morning. But then it comes back later at night. I don’t know if its the small dorm room with curtains that I can’t open that’s making me so miserable. Maybe anyone and everyone gets depressed in the dorm room. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. This is an escape, a vacation. This is just a blank space, a semicolon for me. Before I hopefully return to my real life. But I don’t want to return to real life. What is real life even? A job? The problem with people of our generation is because we think we are supposed to like our jobs? I missed events I signed up to and originally excited to attend, because… I just can’t. I felt a little physically sick. But it’s really just an excuse. I didn’t want to spend hours on a train to attend a party and force myself to talk to people. I don’t know, I don’t want… to talk to people. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep. Because at least my dreams are more interesting.
- Depression is like a rain cloud, it comes and goes. You can never truly predict when it will start to pour.
I think this may take some more time.